She Flies

My oldest finished her 1st year of college a few days ago. She has explored and questioned and grown in so many ways since the morning I wrote this last August. The morning she first left the nest.

Waking up
The morning we take you 
To college
Lists and shopping
Online and in person
Target, Amazon
The Container Store
Pottery Barn Dorm 
Packing and packing
Anticipating missing you
And you missing us
Things won’t be the same
The biggest change
You’ve ever had
And us too
Everyone trying to predict
To imagine
Anticipate 
How it’s going to feel

My baby
My big girl
The woman I see 
Before me
Trying to focus
On the positives
Because the sadness
Of what is lost
What is over
What will never be
Again
It’s too big
Too overwhelming 
Too sad
To imagine
That will all hit 
Later

But for now
It wisps around corners
Tries to climb 
Out of the boxes
That it’s folded
And pushed
And squeezed 
Inside
Like a knife 
Gently poking at my heart
My stomach
Like it wants to 
Turn itself
Inside out
I know it’s all there

But instead
I remember
I remind
Myself
How good
It’s going to be
For her
All the opportunities 
The experiences
The growth
How this is what’s
Supposed to happen
What we’ve planned for
What she’s worked for
Growing wings
So she can fly
And our new
Relationship evolving
Not gone
Just changing
Different 
And in some ways
Better
With some distance
Separation
So she can fly

And she will
She always does
She surprises me
Over and over again
When I’ve tried to plan
And worry
Predict and orchestrate
And think things will go one way
She surprises me again and again
And again
Showing me what a strong
Smart
Fierce
Beautiful
Individual 
She is
Doing it her way
From a different angle
In her own time
With her own twist
That makes so much sense
And is so clear
When I step back 
And remember 
To give her the space
To be herself
To listen to her voice
Her head
Her heart 
And then 

She flies!